My Magic Spell Works

I have a super power, as does my sister (and she got the good one!). I can make things happen (I've made it rain many times). And I can make things not happen (I can prevent power outages). But before you go "do not suffer a witch to live" all over my ass, let me explain.

We had a wicked wind storm last night, the kind where rocking chairs get tipped over and big heavy garbage bins get blown into the street. And so, to prevent the power from going out, I searched the house and dug up several flashlights, which I use to store dead batteries. Then I switched out the dead batteries for all new ones. Tested them to make sure I did an awesome job. Then gave one to each family member. Because we were prepared, the power didn't go out. (My assistant doesn't share my god-like power, so she was electricity-less for 8 hours.)

Also, if I want it to rain? I wash my car.

It's okay, though. It's not going to my head. I know that with great power comes a great urge to pop over to the dark side, and thus far I've only used my power for good.

My sister's power is to find the perfect parking spot, every time. It's uncanny. And a little frightening. She can pull into the Disneyworld parking lot at lunchtime during the height of tourist season and snuggle her car in beside the handicap spaces. When it's ten below zero and spitting snow, she can find a spot about nine feet from the front door. If she gets into a fender bender, her engine dies near a tow truck. It's creepy, man.

Together we can form our own Legion of Doom, complete with the rocket-activated Hall of Doom which, weirdly, thrives in swamps. But, as above, we won't. It would be wrong. Also, who has the time to really commit to being evil? The meetings alone would suck up all our free time.

So fear not, citizens!

I Explain Why Splice is the Worst Movie Ever

I come bearing a warning. And before I go further, it's important to understand that I'm known for my shitty taste in movies. So it's pretty hard to revolt or disgust me. I saw Jason X in a theater. And I paid full price since it wasn't a matinee. I am hard to disappoint, movie-wise. That said, SPLICE sucked rocks. I saw it 2 weeks ago on book tour in my hotel. Not only did I hate it, I paid $12.99 for it! (Or my publisher did. I can't remember if they picked up the tab for my booze and crappy in-room movies.)

I normally don't review books or movies on my blog, but I made an exception this week. It's that bad...and it's wildly inappropriate for children. I'm pasting my super-pissy review below, and plot spoilers at the end of the blog.

Big time spoilers, so don't read to the end of this blog unless you're okay with finding out out all about the Worst Movie Ever.

Not-too-spoilerish: Genetic scientists (Adrian Brody, who's so ugly he's handsome, and Sarah Polley from the DAWN OF THE DEAD remake...she was the nurse) create a human/alien clone thingie which grows to maturity in about 8 months...she has hands for feet. (Hands for feet!)

For the first 3/4 of the movie I thought I'd enjoy watching it with my kids. Because though the hybrid was supposed to be the villain (if that's even the word), as she matures her parents/doctors have to try increasingly scary methods of containment (she's super strong, she flies, she's poisonous, etc.). (Also, my kids roots for the villains, which I find cool and weird.) So at one point you could be asking yourself, "Who's really the bad guy here? They're strapping her to tables to 'protect' her!"

Then the movie took a darrrrrrrrk turn.

SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER

Okay. These scientists are gonna get their funding cut off, so they use a human egg and something from a life form they created in the lab. "Cloning humans is illeal...this won't be human." And she grows rapidly...born months ahead of schedule, with hands for feet (hands for feet! I can't seem to get away from this) and a poisonous stinger.

At first she's super-cute (they named her Dren, which is nerd spelled backward...awwww!). They find out she has gills and lungs so she's amphibious. She's very bright. She's beautiful in a weird way...the actress did a great job, since Dren doesn't speak. She just clicks and shrieks and whirrs.

So, when she's an adolescent she spies on her doctors/parents having sex. Adrian Brody SEES HER WATCHING THEM and keeps banging Sarah Pollen. A couple of weeks later Dren's the equivalent of 18 or 19. And...seduces Adrian Brody. Who has sex with her! Remember: this. Is. Her. Dad. (Not biologically, but still. It's the Woody Allen/Sun Lee thing all over again, except, if possible, grosser.) Halfway through the act he suddenly realizes he's reminded of Sarah Pollen. Because, without telling him, she used her own egg to make Dren. Also, Sarah catches them banging...and cuts off Dren's tail!

(This is about when I thought, this would not be a good movie for my kids. Anyone's kids.)

So then Dren escapes, and her parents go after her. She changes her sex. Yeah, you read that right...she turns from female to male. And then she RAPES HER MOM. Like the kid in Zombieland, I couldn't find anything hard or sharp to throw at the screen. Paperback? No. Box of Kleenexes? No. Fine Cooking Magazine? No.

Adrian Brody dies at Dren's hands, Sarah kills Dren, and the last seen is Sarah, hugely pregnant. BY HER DAUGHTER.

Really, I can sum up the movie with one word: Blech!

You've been warned! ;-)

My Husband And I Take Over Le Duc

Tomorrow (Tuesday), at 7:00 p.m., my Other Half and I will be chatting about our Jennifer Scales series, answering questions, and signing books. Also scarfing all the cookies and punch we can get our hands on. It's worth going just for the look at the gorgeous Le Duc mansion in Hastings, MN...the place is unbelievable. You *almost* think it wouldn't suck to live 150 years in the past. (No Facebook...no ATMs! But lots of fireplaces.)

We'll be talking about the new Jennifer Scales book, RISE OF THE POISON MOON, and upcoming books as well. Be there or be not-there.

I Sell Out

The national book tour for ME MYSELF AND WHY is almost at an end...I can hardly believe it! It feels like I've been waiting years for this book to be on shelves. Which I have (two years is years, plural, right?). It's been so much fun meeting readers and booksellers (and booksellers who are readers, and readers who are...I probably don't have to finish this thought). Seems like the pub date would never get here, then all of a sudden it's sort of rudely rushed you, and then you're headed off for the first city of the tour, and before you know it, you're thinking "I should blog about how long I've...I probably don't have to finish this thought."

We actually had to cancel a couple of the stock signings because before I could get to the store to sign the books, they sold out! This was, there's no other word, delightful. But I did want to give readers the heads up...I know some of you have been waiting almost as long as I have to get your sweaty palms on MMY. So if you've been putting off heading to your local bookstore because life keeps interfering ("Can't pick up the new MJD yet, not with the couch still on fire", or "if I didn't have to shave those dogs myself, I could run into town and grab ME MYSELF AND WHY", or "if I didn't have to spend the night beside this grave to make sure there *isn't* going to be a zombie uprising, I could have grabbed MMY"); well, believe me, I totally get it.

But you might want to squirt that fire with extinguisher foam, cajole your roommate/spouse/parent into shaving those dogs, and cross your fingers and hope for the best as you abandon that grave, and get thee to a bookstore.

Because, yup, they're selling out. It'd be awful to put off your errands *and* not be able to check out the bookstore. That just sounds...annoying. Really, really annoying.

Next: I Avoid Being Beaten To Death

(or: "Yeah, I have a question...I love Betsy, so WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?")